A Second of Mental Growth

I have been heartbroken.

Not by the infallible termination of the "pact" found in first love; or second, or third... Not by a loved one's dismissal from a cherishable life, nor one filled with turmoil or normalcy. And not by my gullible belief of the bastardies of a once trustworthy friend. While all or none of these scenarios may or may not have been experienced by me - I have not been heartbroken by any,

But by my coming to terms with a reality that has always existed.

I've always been told the parables of life, I've heeded the mantra of my days and been lectured about the downfall of my generation. This and that, Mary and Jane, in one ear where it marinated for a minute only to be unconsciously dismissed from the conscious part of me. This must have been what happened. Because all of a sudden the maybe's the why's and the how come's were all knocked into place. And if it weren't for the impediment of (I hate to say it) my young age and inexperience I would have known, although strongly against my nature, not to be so trusting of men. (I'll save the discussion of women.)

Its inexplainable really, much like the difficulty in being the best infant while still an infant, the best child while still a child, the best teen while still a teen and so on. There's no handbook for each stage of life. And while at any age you know you know - you don't know.

I am heartbroken because I have seen the validity in a reality that has always existed. And that reality has shocked me into an understanding that I never knew was there.

Greatest Fear

In light of my most recent post from months ago as well as present, past, and more than likely future events, I write this next post. I was inspired today, from a great sadness inside me, to reconnect with the blogging world - not that my postings at this time get much attention; then, it does not matter much to me but that my voice may have some existence in forum.


So I begin:
There's something of a naive state in all of us, an incessant, everlasting childlike uncertainty that strengthens in discomfort and, in comfort, weakens to a point just bearable to keep on keeping on. There is an innocence in us that yearns to be nurtured, understood and coddled - not just for a moment, but for a lifetime. There is a passion in us to be desired, that every inch and crevice of our bodies, every wimper of our trying hearts might be someone's absolute cynosure. And in all this mess of desiring, yearning and uncertainty we exist.

We exist in a chaotic cycle of misdirected control, misguided anger, and unnecessary hatred.

What needs to be emphasized is not our fear of rejection, while it is a factor of our fears it is only a component of a larger fear.

Whether or not we realize it I am afraid of you just as he is afraid of him all the while him is not afraid of he but him is afraid of me. And even still you are afraid of he and even he is afraid of me.

Why. And it is here that, while I agree to an extent to what Marianne Williamson has said (a quotation which I posted in the previous post) I will have to differ on the topic of her major premise.

That we are powerful beyond all measure is, rather, a concept in need of realization in the living process. Thus our biggest fear IS that we are inadequate. Again I'll say, what we NEED to realize is that we "are POWERFUL beyond all measure." I, you, he and him feared themselves inadequate while each of them shivered in the supposed superiority of another's shadow. If he might genuinely lend himself to absolute security, an absolute comfort with himself, an ultimate peacefulness with self-satisfaction, a passionate SELF-LOVE, then I, you, and he will unconsciously shed themselves of their own insecurity and allow others to do the same.